Curry Zawa Kaoru’s Creative Counseling - “Should I tell my partner about my hobby?” Make sure to choose details that are actually relevant.
Article by Curry Zawa Kaoru
Should I come clean with my husband about my secret hobby (drawing R-rated BL manga)?
I was watching a news segment about a notorious governor who was recently accused of power harassment, and the neverending string of testimonies was absolutely shocking. The worst part, however, was the fact that the accused didn’t seem to have the slightest inkling that he’d done anything wrong, and it made me sincerely hope I’d never have to cross paths with him.
What I’m trying to get at here is that it’s just as infuriating—no, terrifying—to witness married couples where one partner is utterly oblivious to what their spouse wants to know, instead giving the most way-off-base answers possible.
Yabbering on about stuff your partner didn’t even ask for is the worst way to try to gain their understanding or support. If anything, you’ll make them think, “What have I done? I’ve married a freak,” and start questioning their life choices. Don’t confuse what you want the other person to understand with what information they actually want or need; the two aren’t always compatible.
In the same vein, any information regarding the particulars of your hobby could be wholly unnecessary. You need to ask yourself, “Does my spouse actually need to know that I write R-rated BL manga and want to sell them to the masses, or will a simple ‘I want to go to Tokyo for an art event’ suffice?”
Additionally, while terms like “doujinshi,” “doujinshi convention,” or “pixiv” might be common knowledge to otakus, the person you’re talking to might not necessarily know what they mean. Think about how it would feel if someone gave you a play-by-play of a soccer match, assuming you know everything about the Laws of the Game (unless you’re a soccer otaku yourself, of course). My point is, most people don’t enjoy conversations where they have no idea what the other person is talking about.
If you want to gain your partner’s understanding, the best course of action is to start by simplifying things and only letting them know the details they genuinely need.
Making up excuses or flat-out lying will only create a rift in your relationship, and worse, it’ll make them wonder if what you’re doing is something to be ashamed of. Not fully disclosing something, however, doesn’t necessarily mean you’re lying, especially in situations such as this.
My suggestion is to simply let your spouse know the following details: your purpose (”I want to go to Tokyo for a hobby-related event”), your schedule (e.g. ”I’ll leave home at 7:00 am and be back by 10:00 pm”), your request (”Please look after our child and take care of the chores while I’m away”), your proposal (”I’ll take care of X before I leave to make things easier”), and an advance notice (”I might spend more time on the computer than usual in preparation for the event”).
For some people, reassuring them that indulging in your hobbies won’t wreak havoc on your family might be all the information they need. You can always give them additional details later if they ask questions; your husband’s main concern is probably having to look after your child by himself while you’re gone, not what you’ll be doing at the event or which couple your BL manga will feature. Unless he asks about it, there’s no real need to tell him.
If he says something snarky like, “Who’s going to feed me and our kid while you’re away?” you might end up getting into a heated argument, but either way, you leaving the house for a day to sell smutty BL won’t be the main focus unless you disclose that information. If all you want to do is attend an event, try spoon-feeding him details in small amounts and get him to warm up to your hobbies gradually.
Don’t worry about how your partner may or may not react to what you say
That said, a part of you might want to use this opportunity to tell your spouse about your hobby and (ideally) openly throw yourself into your hobbies with his full support. Since I have no idea what your husband is like, I can’t predict how he might react to this news, nor can I guarantee that he won’t find the revelation earth-shattering and, worst case scenario, look at you the same way he would a piece of chewed-up gum on the back of his shoe.
This goes without saying, but you can’t change someone’s instinctive feelings towards something. Instead of worrying about how they may or may not feel, focus on changing how you feel and be more confident about what you enjoy. You can’t expect other people to react positively to your hobbies if you yourself view them negatively; you’ll only end up behaving like someone who’s actually doing something unethical, such as cheating, and cause them to become suspicious of you.
Like I said, there’s no need to tell your husband every single detail about your hobby, so try shifting your thoughts from “I need my partner to understand me completely!” to: “There’s no need for my partner to fully understand every aspect of what I enjoy doing; I’m still proud of what I do.”
Still, if you genuinely want your partner to understand and learn more about what you love or worry obsessively about how he would react to learning that his spouse draws NSFW doujinshi, telling him everything you want him to know isn’t a bad idea either. Just remember not to obsess too much about how he may or may not react. You don't actually need your partner to understand everything about why you love your hobby.
This column was made into a book!
The popular column Curry Zawa Kaoru’s Creative Counseling has been made into a book titled Otaku no Tanoshii Seisaku Ron (The Delightful Art of Otaku Creation, Bungeishunju).
In addition to fan-favorite episodes such as “Coping with fanwork taking a little too many liberties”, “When you can’t get feedback in an underdeveloped genre”, “Is 40 too old for doujin events?” and “Understanding the troubles and contradictions of killing off your favorite characters”, the book also includes brand new topics and advice!
To celebrate the release of the book, we had a chat with Curry Zawa and Tsuzuru Sanada (author of Doujin Onna no Kanjo). Give it a read!
